Good Bye Journey

I flew across the country to say good bye to someone who has been in my life for over 35 years.  I am very blessed to have parents who love me and would move the world if they needed to in order to help me in any way.  On top of having this unconditional support I had a “Dad #2”, as he titled himself.  He was a friend of my Dad’s, although ten plus years his senior.  However, the two of them engaged in all kinds of activities and projects together over the years.  They both shared a passion for practical jokes and sarcasm, but along with that a boldness of faith that drove their words and actions to make this world a better place.

Dad #2 introduced my family to the other side of the country where rocks are red and skies often painted with hues of orange, magenta and purple.  This was a world of beauty and a lifestyle of leisure.  It was Dad #2 who was ready to move onto a different place of beauty and thus was put to rest upon this spectacular canvas.  I was asked to participate in honoring his memory and hence the cross country trip to say good bye.

As I have been searching for the answer of which kind of life should I have along my crazy journey; one of autonomy or interdependence, I came to a realization.  There are important moments in my life, and maybe not SO important moments, that I need to face head on independently.  There have been recent decisions and choices that truly only I could make.  Although wanting affirmation from those around me would be nice, but in the end I need to live with the decisions and the outcomes of them with full responsibility.

A colleague of mine pointed out that one of the recent decisions I made was absolutely crucial in my own personal development.  As the past few years have struck me down and shattered my being into pieces, he reminded me that this one choice – this one decision was a huge stepping stone in my reclaiming my personhood, my self-esteem and developing strength in my independence.  He was spot on!

On the flip side of this as I was getting ready to get into the car to begin the final leg of my good bye journey, I became overwhelmed with such a great sense of loneliness.  I cannot even begin to describe the depth of sadness that flooded over me.  At that very moment my phone indicator light began to flash.  I turned on the phone and saw I had received an email.  The subject line was a picture of a heart.  It was from my very good friend who just wanted me to know she knew I was not going to be having an easy day. (She had met Dad #2 and was actually sitting with me during the last phone conversation I had with him.)  She wrote she had been thinking about me all morning and said, “Be true to yourself and love who you are….I do.”

The flood of loneliness was instantly washed away by the tears these words brought to my eyes and instead replaced that dark feeling with a warm blanket of assurance.  I had been reminded I was not alone.  I was not facing this day in my own strength or courage alone; I had a team – a team of loved ones carrying me through the day and over that wall of grief.

Along my crazy journey there will be moments when I need to find the inner strength to stand firmly on my own and make the best decisions I can for myself.  However, there will be times when the best thing is for me just to lean into the hands of those who are willing to carry me along.  I guess the next step is to figure out when to stand and when to lean.

The Wall

Making baby steps in an adult world is completely exhausting.  None of us can remember our first steps, but I assume for the most there were video cameras, flashes, shouts of excitement, and an outpouring of affirmation and love that provided enough thrill to empower the next.  As the next step was taken, once again thunderous applause is heard, big smiles, shrieks of joy, clapping hugs and more photos taken to document this special occasion.  We were physically moving along the continuum of the developmental chart and we were succeeding.

Somewhere along the chart line I got stuck.  I was not stuck in a physical way; I made all those marks and maybe a bit over them.  No, I was stuck along the emotional development scale.  I have done YEARS of self exploration, reading books, sitting through individual therapy, group therapy, support groups….do not even ask me about the silent retreat I went on!!  I journeyed through all of this trying to uncover what “wall” it was that I hit the blocked my development and why the makeup of this wall seemed never to be penetrated.

Many years ago I traveled overseas to do mission work with an organization that sent teams of teenager all over the world to complete various projects.  Before the teams were permitted to go off and make the world a better place they first had to learn how to be a team.  Every person traveled to the hot humid swamp area of Eastern Florida with minimal possessions and a combination of in trepidation but exuberating expectations of what the summer would hold.  They would spend about the next ten days in primitive conditions becoming a unit.

I could write books about the adventures of this place literally called boot camp.  However, it was the 5:30am call to the obstacle course that my current situation parallels.  The team would line up at the starting line when daylight maybe was just breaking.  The whistle would blow and off we went sprinting towards a number of challenges and obstacles we needed to successfully accomplish in a certain amount of time or else we would be doing it all over again during free time.

There were many pieces to this course, but the last obstacle is the one I remember well.  It was “THE WALL”.  Every team member was to scale this ten foot wall.  Each wall was given a name like fear or doubt.  As a team we had to figure how to get over that wall.  The strongest members of the team could be hoisted to the top edge of the wall and they would pull themselves up to the wall and sit straddle and position themselves to be the anchors of the weaker members.  One by one with the stronger people on top of the wall reaching down to help the next team member up and a host of team members below with arms stretched up helping to push or be prepared to catch a person if they were to fall, each team member would successfully make it over the wall.

As I face my “today” wall, my broken emotional scale…I think and wonder if there is a “team” in my world to help me scale, go around or what I would love to do is break the wall.  Are there people in my world who are the stronger ones who have possibly already been able to scale this wall, either on their own or with a little push from a friend?  Are there people below me ready to help me push myself up this wall or even possibly catch me if I fall?  These walls we face, are they to be a team effort or is this exercise really about me putting the pieces together to create a ladder in which for me to use to get over the wall?  The only way to find out is to take that first step….with or without the cheers.