I flew across the country to say good bye to someone who has been in my life for over 35 years. I am very blessed to have parents who love me and would move the world if they needed to in order to help me in any way. On top of having this unconditional support I had a “Dad #2”, as he titled himself. He was a friend of my Dad’s, although ten plus years his senior. However, the two of them engaged in all kinds of activities and projects together over the years. They both shared a passion for practical jokes and sarcasm, but along with that a boldness of faith that drove their words and actions to make this world a better place.
Dad #2 introduced my family to the other side of the country where rocks are red and skies often painted with hues of orange, magenta and purple. This was a world of beauty and a lifestyle of leisure. It was Dad #2 who was ready to move onto a different place of beauty and thus was put to rest upon this spectacular canvas. I was asked to participate in honoring his memory and hence the cross country trip to say good bye.
As I have been searching for the answer of which kind of life should I have along my crazy journey; one of autonomy or interdependence, I came to a realization. There are important moments in my life, and maybe not SO important moments, that I need to face head on independently. There have been recent decisions and choices that truly only I could make. Although wanting affirmation from those around me would be nice, but in the end I need to live with the decisions and the outcomes of them with full responsibility.
A colleague of mine pointed out that one of the recent decisions I made was absolutely crucial in my own personal development. As the past few years have struck me down and shattered my being into pieces, he reminded me that this one choice – this one decision was a huge stepping stone in my reclaiming my personhood, my self-esteem and developing strength in my independence. He was spot on!
On the flip side of this as I was getting ready to get into the car to begin the final leg of my good bye journey, I became overwhelmed with such a great sense of loneliness. I cannot even begin to describe the depth of sadness that flooded over me. At that very moment my phone indicator light began to flash. I turned on the phone and saw I had received an email. The subject line was a picture of a heart. It was from my very good friend who just wanted me to know she knew I was not going to be having an easy day. (She had met Dad #2 and was actually sitting with me during the last phone conversation I had with him.) She wrote she had been thinking about me all morning and said, “Be true to yourself and love who you are….I do.”
The flood of loneliness was instantly washed away by the tears these words brought to my eyes and instead replaced that dark feeling with a warm blanket of assurance. I had been reminded I was not alone. I was not facing this day in my own strength or courage alone; I had a team – a team of loved ones carrying me through the day and over that wall of grief.
Along my crazy journey there will be moments when I need to find the inner strength to stand firmly on my own and make the best decisions I can for myself. However, there will be times when the best thing is for me just to lean into the hands of those who are willing to carry me along. I guess the next step is to figure out when to stand and when to lean.
