Last night I received a call from one of the coaches I work with. He wanted to let me know that another one of our coaches was in a car accident and was killed. I sat there stunned as I heard the voice and the words coming out of the other end of the phone. Coach Matt, the coach that every girl on his team and now a part of mine adored. He's gone....in an instant; leaving behind his wife, four children and a team of girls who he greatly impacted. I didn't know his wife or his children, so my thoughts and my pain immediately went to my team of girls. The girls who I didn't know just two months ago, but the girls who my heart has expanded to not only tolerate but to truly care and love. How could this happen? How can someone so young, so alive, be gone?
As I walked numbly around my house I only had to think back just a few weeks ago to an image of lighted pink balloons being launched into the dark night sky. Those balloons fulfilled a mother's birthday promise to her daughter just weeks prior. However, her daugther was not there to see this magnificant light display, for just days before her 6th birthday she lost her life to brain cancer. How can such an innocent child lose a life so soon?
I then began to think personally. I thought about the past weeks discussions of dividing assets and breaking apart my "family" for our "home" is no longer that, but instead a residence of four individuals. The tears, the anger, the pain; at times it seems unbearable. How did this happen?
My life seems to spin out of control and shattering before my eyes and along with it my value and worth seem to disappear as each circumstance unfolds. Death, divorce, disease, disappointment and distruction all around. How can this be? So many pieces but none that seem to fit together. The jagged edges cut and create pain. The wounds hemmorage and flow unceasingly. Every where I turn there's despair. How will it end? Does it end? Will there be healing? Am I unable to control any of it?
We live in a fallen world and with that comes hurt and pain. The way the world is; it's not how it was intended to be. But we as humans created situations and circumstances that have evolved into a world with challenges, losses and even dispair. Can we do anything to make it better? Yes! Yes, we can. I remember being criticized for wanting to "save the world". I was told I wouldn't be able to. It is true, I may not be able to save the WORLD, but I can make one person's world a little better.
In my man made hole of pity that I often find myself drowning in, I am able to come up for air from time to time. One of those times was Sunday night when I was asked to bring some of my soccer team to a haunted hayride. Not really one of my favorite things to do, but none the less I agreed wanting to please my team and my daugther. The ten of us piled into the hay filled wagon and off we went into the dark of the night with sights of flashing fire and sounds of screams in the distance. For some reason I felt the need to be strong and confident. I wasn't trying to be a killjoy, I just knew it was what was needed. All of the sudden an unfamiliar hand grabbed mine and I felt the individual fingers of someone lace through mine. I heard a whisper, "Please hold my hand". Two minutes later I had three other girls in my lap, one being my daughter. On my other side I had another little girl buried in my lap and another coach nuzzled into my ribs under my arm. Another whipser came through my ear, "I love you mom, you are awesome". All of the sudden this coach became hero, not because we won our game that day, but because I was there when they needed me. I don't get paid. I don't have an office. I don't have a worthy title and more days than not I hear complaints or "concerns" from parents about their child's play...but at that moment...I was saving their world. I was there
In the aftermath of losing Coach Matt, it is very clear the positive impact we can make in a person's life, if we choose to. It does not take much to do so. The ways of the world will not change, but how we impact them certainly can. How we respond to the circumstances of our day can bring hope and healing. Tomorrow my girls will need me again. Not as coach, but as a hand holder as they say goodbye to a man who poured into their lives passion, love of soccer and belief in each of them. In the moment of their dispair and pain, I will be there. I won't be "saving" their world, but I will be making a difference in it.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Messages on the Tape
I woke up this morning...yes, that is a bit assumed, but just in case it's not, I woke up and it was morning. So the first thing I do before my feet hit the ground was first to turn off the damn alarm clock. Then the one piece of "advice" I try to implement, after thousands of dollars of therapy, is to "hit the play button" of happy and healthy tapes that run through my mind. Apparently for many years I have risen and "hit the wrong play button" and have exposed my mind to unhealthy and negative messages. If I choose to play the right tapes these apparently will magically rewrite what I have been hearing for the past few decades and I will view the world and myself with a different attitude and mindset. Sounds simple enough, yes? NO!
I do not know, maybe I am just wishing negativity in my life. My dear friend tells me that I cling to negative messages, especially about myself because that's what I believe I deserve. Being a counselor for almost 20 years, you would think I would have had this all figured out by now. But what is it they say about people who choose counseling as a profession? Maybe I thought by changing my career at midlife all my "issues" would go away. Unfortunately they have not and I still wage war on a daily basis with my thoughts. No positive mantra has been able to penetrate defeat to those messages going through my head. However, after the past few days I am reloading with new ammunition and a different battle plan.
As I stated in my previous post, I cannot choose for other people what words or actions they put out into the universe, I can only choose my own. Words and actions of others are beyond my control. I personally spend way too much energy trying to shoot back or down those words and waste too much time trying to change the thinking that formed the words. I cannot. Sometimes the words of others are cutting and spoken out of pure intense emotion and slice right to the core of my being. In response I choose to fight back and either spew words to retaliate the pain their words just caused me or I pathetically grovel and desperately try to change their opinion of either me or the situation. How sad that in a moment, maybe a very emotionally intense moment, but none the less, a reactionary moment, I lose confidence in who I am because of another person's choice of thoughts, words and actions. Wow, what a waste of my time and energy. And who am I to empower someone else to such an extent? No one's thoughts or opinions should be able to injure me in such a way that creates a hemorrhage in my being but also creates a scar in my mind for years, months, days, hours or even minutes.
I am not saying that I shouldn't listen to well thought out constructive criticism spoken out of care for who I am. I have a few friends who play that role in my life and I welcome it. I am saying that when put into a situation, especially one that is heated, there are a few steps that could help not allow permanent disability to my mind. First, if a discussion is so hot that nothing productive is being said, or is just lined with insults, I need to walk away. Everyone can say something out of anger or rage and cause harmful damage. When this is happening, I just need to walk away and end the conversation. If I am engaged in a heated discussion where personal attacks are not the forefront but there is a high intensity level, I should carefully listen to what is being said. However, as much as I am able, I should respond in a calm and controlled manner. Emotionally reacting to another person's words is not going to be productive. If I cannot respond in a constructive manner, once again, I need to walk away until the emotions have subsided.
Finally, if I am able to maintain the conversation without being swept into the emotion, afterward I must analyze what was said. I must think to myself, "What do I know to be true?". Was there truth in what was said? What do I have to take responsibility for, if anything? If I acted inappropriately was it truly a reflection of who I am, or was it just me being human? Do I need to seek forgiveness from a person? Do I need to grant forgiveness? Do I need to forgive myself? Lastly, do I need to change my future actions or words so that, IF I contributed to this situation I will not do it again. That last IF is huge! I need to truly look at a situation and discern, is this really about me and my actions or is it someone else's? IF I contributed in any way, then yes, I need to make adjustments. IF not, then I need to LET IT GO!! That is the hard part for me. I cannot allow another person's words or actions to have power over me and change the way I think about myself if they are not true. I must be true to myself, and if I cannot be true to myself, that is a different topic altogether. However, knowing who I am and what I know to be true is key. Sometimes I need to just remind myself of those things. Hey maybe those thousands of dollars in therapy will pay off...and those tapes filled with positive and true messages I play through my head will help me see the world and more importantly myself as I should; with a healthy mindset and attitude.
I do not know, maybe I am just wishing negativity in my life. My dear friend tells me that I cling to negative messages, especially about myself because that's what I believe I deserve. Being a counselor for almost 20 years, you would think I would have had this all figured out by now. But what is it they say about people who choose counseling as a profession? Maybe I thought by changing my career at midlife all my "issues" would go away. Unfortunately they have not and I still wage war on a daily basis with my thoughts. No positive mantra has been able to penetrate defeat to those messages going through my head. However, after the past few days I am reloading with new ammunition and a different battle plan.
As I stated in my previous post, I cannot choose for other people what words or actions they put out into the universe, I can only choose my own. Words and actions of others are beyond my control. I personally spend way too much energy trying to shoot back or down those words and waste too much time trying to change the thinking that formed the words. I cannot. Sometimes the words of others are cutting and spoken out of pure intense emotion and slice right to the core of my being. In response I choose to fight back and either spew words to retaliate the pain their words just caused me or I pathetically grovel and desperately try to change their opinion of either me or the situation. How sad that in a moment, maybe a very emotionally intense moment, but none the less, a reactionary moment, I lose confidence in who I am because of another person's choice of thoughts, words and actions. Wow, what a waste of my time and energy. And who am I to empower someone else to such an extent? No one's thoughts or opinions should be able to injure me in such a way that creates a hemorrhage in my being but also creates a scar in my mind for years, months, days, hours or even minutes.
I am not saying that I shouldn't listen to well thought out constructive criticism spoken out of care for who I am. I have a few friends who play that role in my life and I welcome it. I am saying that when put into a situation, especially one that is heated, there are a few steps that could help not allow permanent disability to my mind. First, if a discussion is so hot that nothing productive is being said, or is just lined with insults, I need to walk away. Everyone can say something out of anger or rage and cause harmful damage. When this is happening, I just need to walk away and end the conversation. If I am engaged in a heated discussion where personal attacks are not the forefront but there is a high intensity level, I should carefully listen to what is being said. However, as much as I am able, I should respond in a calm and controlled manner. Emotionally reacting to another person's words is not going to be productive. If I cannot respond in a constructive manner, once again, I need to walk away until the emotions have subsided.
Finally, if I am able to maintain the conversation without being swept into the emotion, afterward I must analyze what was said. I must think to myself, "What do I know to be true?". Was there truth in what was said? What do I have to take responsibility for, if anything? If I acted inappropriately was it truly a reflection of who I am, or was it just me being human? Do I need to seek forgiveness from a person? Do I need to grant forgiveness? Do I need to forgive myself? Lastly, do I need to change my future actions or words so that, IF I contributed to this situation I will not do it again. That last IF is huge! I need to truly look at a situation and discern, is this really about me and my actions or is it someone else's? IF I contributed in any way, then yes, I need to make adjustments. IF not, then I need to LET IT GO!! That is the hard part for me. I cannot allow another person's words or actions to have power over me and change the way I think about myself if they are not true. I must be true to myself, and if I cannot be true to myself, that is a different topic altogether. However, knowing who I am and what I know to be true is key. Sometimes I need to just remind myself of those things. Hey maybe those thousands of dollars in therapy will pay off...and those tapes filled with positive and true messages I play through my head will help me see the world and more importantly myself as I should; with a healthy mindset and attitude.
Monday, September 26, 2011
A Lesson in Sportsmanship & Life
It is no secret that I am and will always be a HUGE sports fan. I love the thrill of the game and the high of victory. My family was originally from Philadelphia and the surrounding area, so I was brought up on the Phillies, the Flyers, 76ers, and the Eagles. I have stayed true to those roots and have ridden the crazy ride with these teams. Yesterday was one though that I wished I had passed up.
I try to provide varied experiences to my kids because I want them to be curious about life and have the courage to explore it with passion and great expectation. One way of doing this is by bringing them to an Eagles game. I have been criticized for doing this, because of what they might be exposed to in that environment. However, I choose to not place my kids in a bubble, but instead walk them through what they see and hear to help them understand how to process and respond. Besides, you cannot tell me what they see and hear at a stadium is much worse than what they hear on a school bus overloaded with tweens!
I packed up my kids and took them the season home opener against the biggest rival of the Eagles...the New York Giants. I had no idea what to expect, but I was truly giddy with the thought of having tickets to what I had hoped to be at least a great game. I thought my kids and I would cheer, sing the crazy Eagles fight song and make a positive memory. Some of that happened yesterday, but to my sadness I ended up helping make a life lesson. The Eagles played poorly, the Giants played exceptionally and emotions on both sides of the field were electrified. There were fights and finger pointing with accusations flying. There were words of frustration and hatred being spewed everywhere we turned. I was even being texted jabs and put downs throughout the game. I am by no means an innocent party in all of it. I have teased and tormented my fellow rivals in jest. But yesterday, it just felt dirty and hurtful.
My daughter asked why people hate the Philadelphia fans so much. The answer? Because a few over the line, need to get lives fans act in such a way that leave a lasting scar on the rest of us. Are we Eagles fans truly the "awful human beings" that people say we are? (I am being asked of this by my daughter who just last week stood up for a victim of bullying in her school.) No, we are not!! But what can we learn from this?
A few things, first is that it is our responsibility alone to keep our words and actions in check. We can choose to put out kindness, consideration and love or we can choose to perpetuate cruelty, selfishness and hatred. We also must learn to not allow the choices of others' words and actions to penetrate our being and receive the messages they are trying to convey. We must know who we are, what we stand for and find our identity there. We must stay true to ourselves with actions that sometimes are contrary to the majority. Lastly, we must still remember that there can be fun in competition and debate. We cannot walk around with a sense of fragility, but one of open mindedness to others thoughts and opinions and sometimes be willing to agree to disagree...and then LET IT GO!
How did we implement these thoughts yesterday? We sat in our stadium seats for a few moments as the last seconds ticked off the clock, we looked to our left, where Giants fans occupied the seats, we leaned forward, congratulated them on a well deserved win and thought to ourselves....just wait until November 20th!!
I try to provide varied experiences to my kids because I want them to be curious about life and have the courage to explore it with passion and great expectation. One way of doing this is by bringing them to an Eagles game. I have been criticized for doing this, because of what they might be exposed to in that environment. However, I choose to not place my kids in a bubble, but instead walk them through what they see and hear to help them understand how to process and respond. Besides, you cannot tell me what they see and hear at a stadium is much worse than what they hear on a school bus overloaded with tweens!
I packed up my kids and took them the season home opener against the biggest rival of the Eagles...the New York Giants. I had no idea what to expect, but I was truly giddy with the thought of having tickets to what I had hoped to be at least a great game. I thought my kids and I would cheer, sing the crazy Eagles fight song and make a positive memory. Some of that happened yesterday, but to my sadness I ended up helping make a life lesson. The Eagles played poorly, the Giants played exceptionally and emotions on both sides of the field were electrified. There were fights and finger pointing with accusations flying. There were words of frustration and hatred being spewed everywhere we turned. I was even being texted jabs and put downs throughout the game. I am by no means an innocent party in all of it. I have teased and tormented my fellow rivals in jest. But yesterday, it just felt dirty and hurtful.
My daughter asked why people hate the Philadelphia fans so much. The answer? Because a few over the line, need to get lives fans act in such a way that leave a lasting scar on the rest of us. Are we Eagles fans truly the "awful human beings" that people say we are? (I am being asked of this by my daughter who just last week stood up for a victim of bullying in her school.) No, we are not!! But what can we learn from this?
A few things, first is that it is our responsibility alone to keep our words and actions in check. We can choose to put out kindness, consideration and love or we can choose to perpetuate cruelty, selfishness and hatred. We also must learn to not allow the choices of others' words and actions to penetrate our being and receive the messages they are trying to convey. We must know who we are, what we stand for and find our identity there. We must stay true to ourselves with actions that sometimes are contrary to the majority. Lastly, we must still remember that there can be fun in competition and debate. We cannot walk around with a sense of fragility, but one of open mindedness to others thoughts and opinions and sometimes be willing to agree to disagree...and then LET IT GO!
How did we implement these thoughts yesterday? We sat in our stadium seats for a few moments as the last seconds ticked off the clock, we looked to our left, where Giants fans occupied the seats, we leaned forward, congratulated them on a well deserved win and thought to ourselves....just wait until November 20th!!
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