I woke up this morning...yes, that is a bit assumed, but just in case it's not, I woke up and it was morning. So the first thing I do before my feet hit the ground was first to turn off the damn alarm clock. Then the one piece of "advice" I try to implement, after thousands of dollars of therapy, is to "hit the play button" of happy and healthy tapes that run through my mind. Apparently for many years I have risen and "hit the wrong play button" and have exposed my mind to unhealthy and negative messages. If I choose to play the right tapes these apparently will magically rewrite what I have been hearing for the past few decades and I will view the world and myself with a different attitude and mindset. Sounds simple enough, yes? NO!
I do not know, maybe I am just wishing negativity in my life. My dear friend tells me that I cling to negative messages, especially about myself because that's what I believe I deserve. Being a counselor for almost 20 years, you would think I would have had this all figured out by now. But what is it they say about people who choose counseling as a profession? Maybe I thought by changing my career at midlife all my "issues" would go away. Unfortunately they have not and I still wage war on a daily basis with my thoughts. No positive mantra has been able to penetrate defeat to those messages going through my head. However, after the past few days I am reloading with new ammunition and a different battle plan.
As I stated in my previous post, I cannot choose for other people what words or actions they put out into the universe, I can only choose my own. Words and actions of others are beyond my control. I personally spend way too much energy trying to shoot back or down those words and waste too much time trying to change the thinking that formed the words. I cannot. Sometimes the words of others are cutting and spoken out of pure intense emotion and slice right to the core of my being. In response I choose to fight back and either spew words to retaliate the pain their words just caused me or I pathetically grovel and desperately try to change their opinion of either me or the situation. How sad that in a moment, maybe a very emotionally intense moment, but none the less, a reactionary moment, I lose confidence in who I am because of another person's choice of thoughts, words and actions. Wow, what a waste of my time and energy. And who am I to empower someone else to such an extent? No one's thoughts or opinions should be able to injure me in such a way that creates a hemorrhage in my being but also creates a scar in my mind for years, months, days, hours or even minutes.
I am not saying that I shouldn't listen to well thought out constructive criticism spoken out of care for who I am. I have a few friends who play that role in my life and I welcome it. I am saying that when put into a situation, especially one that is heated, there are a few steps that could help not allow permanent disability to my mind. First, if a discussion is so hot that nothing productive is being said, or is just lined with insults, I need to walk away. Everyone can say something out of anger or rage and cause harmful damage. When this is happening, I just need to walk away and end the conversation. If I am engaged in a heated discussion where personal attacks are not the forefront but there is a high intensity level, I should carefully listen to what is being said. However, as much as I am able, I should respond in a calm and controlled manner. Emotionally reacting to another person's words is not going to be productive. If I cannot respond in a constructive manner, once again, I need to walk away until the emotions have subsided.
Finally, if I am able to maintain the conversation without being swept into the emotion, afterward I must analyze what was said. I must think to myself, "What do I know to be true?". Was there truth in what was said? What do I have to take responsibility for, if anything? If I acted inappropriately was it truly a reflection of who I am, or was it just me being human? Do I need to seek forgiveness from a person? Do I need to grant forgiveness? Do I need to forgive myself? Lastly, do I need to change my future actions or words so that, IF I contributed to this situation I will not do it again. That last IF is huge! I need to truly look at a situation and discern, is this really about me and my actions or is it someone else's? IF I contributed in any way, then yes, I need to make adjustments. IF not, then I need to LET IT GO!! That is the hard part for me. I cannot allow another person's words or actions to have power over me and change the way I think about myself if they are not true. I must be true to myself, and if I cannot be true to myself, that is a different topic altogether. However, knowing who I am and what I know to be true is key. Sometimes I need to just remind myself of those things. Hey maybe those thousands of dollars in therapy will pay off...and those tapes filled with positive and true messages I play through my head will help me see the world and more importantly myself as I should; with a healthy mindset and attitude.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
A Lesson in Sportsmanship & Life
It is no secret that I am and will always be a HUGE sports fan. I love the thrill of the game and the high of victory. My family was originally from Philadelphia and the surrounding area, so I was brought up on the Phillies, the Flyers, 76ers, and the Eagles. I have stayed true to those roots and have ridden the crazy ride with these teams. Yesterday was one though that I wished I had passed up.
I try to provide varied experiences to my kids because I want them to be curious about life and have the courage to explore it with passion and great expectation. One way of doing this is by bringing them to an Eagles game. I have been criticized for doing this, because of what they might be exposed to in that environment. However, I choose to not place my kids in a bubble, but instead walk them through what they see and hear to help them understand how to process and respond. Besides, you cannot tell me what they see and hear at a stadium is much worse than what they hear on a school bus overloaded with tweens!
I packed up my kids and took them the season home opener against the biggest rival of the Eagles...the New York Giants. I had no idea what to expect, but I was truly giddy with the thought of having tickets to what I had hoped to be at least a great game. I thought my kids and I would cheer, sing the crazy Eagles fight song and make a positive memory. Some of that happened yesterday, but to my sadness I ended up helping make a life lesson. The Eagles played poorly, the Giants played exceptionally and emotions on both sides of the field were electrified. There were fights and finger pointing with accusations flying. There were words of frustration and hatred being spewed everywhere we turned. I was even being texted jabs and put downs throughout the game. I am by no means an innocent party in all of it. I have teased and tormented my fellow rivals in jest. But yesterday, it just felt dirty and hurtful.
My daughter asked why people hate the Philadelphia fans so much. The answer? Because a few over the line, need to get lives fans act in such a way that leave a lasting scar on the rest of us. Are we Eagles fans truly the "awful human beings" that people say we are? (I am being asked of this by my daughter who just last week stood up for a victim of bullying in her school.) No, we are not!! But what can we learn from this?
A few things, first is that it is our responsibility alone to keep our words and actions in check. We can choose to put out kindness, consideration and love or we can choose to perpetuate cruelty, selfishness and hatred. We also must learn to not allow the choices of others' words and actions to penetrate our being and receive the messages they are trying to convey. We must know who we are, what we stand for and find our identity there. We must stay true to ourselves with actions that sometimes are contrary to the majority. Lastly, we must still remember that there can be fun in competition and debate. We cannot walk around with a sense of fragility, but one of open mindedness to others thoughts and opinions and sometimes be willing to agree to disagree...and then LET IT GO!
How did we implement these thoughts yesterday? We sat in our stadium seats for a few moments as the last seconds ticked off the clock, we looked to our left, where Giants fans occupied the seats, we leaned forward, congratulated them on a well deserved win and thought to ourselves....just wait until November 20th!!
I try to provide varied experiences to my kids because I want them to be curious about life and have the courage to explore it with passion and great expectation. One way of doing this is by bringing them to an Eagles game. I have been criticized for doing this, because of what they might be exposed to in that environment. However, I choose to not place my kids in a bubble, but instead walk them through what they see and hear to help them understand how to process and respond. Besides, you cannot tell me what they see and hear at a stadium is much worse than what they hear on a school bus overloaded with tweens!
I packed up my kids and took them the season home opener against the biggest rival of the Eagles...the New York Giants. I had no idea what to expect, but I was truly giddy with the thought of having tickets to what I had hoped to be at least a great game. I thought my kids and I would cheer, sing the crazy Eagles fight song and make a positive memory. Some of that happened yesterday, but to my sadness I ended up helping make a life lesson. The Eagles played poorly, the Giants played exceptionally and emotions on both sides of the field were electrified. There were fights and finger pointing with accusations flying. There were words of frustration and hatred being spewed everywhere we turned. I was even being texted jabs and put downs throughout the game. I am by no means an innocent party in all of it. I have teased and tormented my fellow rivals in jest. But yesterday, it just felt dirty and hurtful.
My daughter asked why people hate the Philadelphia fans so much. The answer? Because a few over the line, need to get lives fans act in such a way that leave a lasting scar on the rest of us. Are we Eagles fans truly the "awful human beings" that people say we are? (I am being asked of this by my daughter who just last week stood up for a victim of bullying in her school.) No, we are not!! But what can we learn from this?
A few things, first is that it is our responsibility alone to keep our words and actions in check. We can choose to put out kindness, consideration and love or we can choose to perpetuate cruelty, selfishness and hatred. We also must learn to not allow the choices of others' words and actions to penetrate our being and receive the messages they are trying to convey. We must know who we are, what we stand for and find our identity there. We must stay true to ourselves with actions that sometimes are contrary to the majority. Lastly, we must still remember that there can be fun in competition and debate. We cannot walk around with a sense of fragility, but one of open mindedness to others thoughts and opinions and sometimes be willing to agree to disagree...and then LET IT GO!
How did we implement these thoughts yesterday? We sat in our stadium seats for a few moments as the last seconds ticked off the clock, we looked to our left, where Giants fans occupied the seats, we leaned forward, congratulated them on a well deserved win and thought to ourselves....just wait until November 20th!!
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