I woke up this morning...yes, that is a bit assumed, but just in case it's not, I woke up and it was morning. So the first thing I do before my feet hit the ground was first to turn off the damn alarm clock. Then the one piece of "advice" I try to implement, after thousands of dollars of therapy, is to "hit the play button" of happy and healthy tapes that run through my mind. Apparently for many years I have risen and "hit the wrong play button" and have exposed my mind to unhealthy and negative messages. If I choose to play the right tapes these apparently will magically rewrite what I have been hearing for the past few decades and I will view the world and myself with a different attitude and mindset. Sounds simple enough, yes? NO!
I do not know, maybe I am just wishing negativity in my life. My dear friend tells me that I cling to negative messages, especially about myself because that's what I believe I deserve. Being a counselor for almost 20 years, you would think I would have had this all figured out by now. But what is it they say about people who choose counseling as a profession? Maybe I thought by changing my career at midlife all my "issues" would go away. Unfortunately they have not and I still wage war on a daily basis with my thoughts. No positive mantra has been able to penetrate defeat to those messages going through my head. However, after the past few days I am reloading with new ammunition and a different battle plan.
As I stated in my previous post, I cannot choose for other people what words or actions they put out into the universe, I can only choose my own. Words and actions of others are beyond my control. I personally spend way too much energy trying to shoot back or down those words and waste too much time trying to change the thinking that formed the words. I cannot. Sometimes the words of others are cutting and spoken out of pure intense emotion and slice right to the core of my being. In response I choose to fight back and either spew words to retaliate the pain their words just caused me or I pathetically grovel and desperately try to change their opinion of either me or the situation. How sad that in a moment, maybe a very emotionally intense moment, but none the less, a reactionary moment, I lose confidence in who I am because of another person's choice of thoughts, words and actions. Wow, what a waste of my time and energy. And who am I to empower someone else to such an extent? No one's thoughts or opinions should be able to injure me in such a way that creates a hemorrhage in my being but also creates a scar in my mind for years, months, days, hours or even minutes.
I am not saying that I shouldn't listen to well thought out constructive criticism spoken out of care for who I am. I have a few friends who play that role in my life and I welcome it. I am saying that when put into a situation, especially one that is heated, there are a few steps that could help not allow permanent disability to my mind. First, if a discussion is so hot that nothing productive is being said, or is just lined with insults, I need to walk away. Everyone can say something out of anger or rage and cause harmful damage. When this is happening, I just need to walk away and end the conversation. If I am engaged in a heated discussion where personal attacks are not the forefront but there is a high intensity level, I should carefully listen to what is being said. However, as much as I am able, I should respond in a calm and controlled manner. Emotionally reacting to another person's words is not going to be productive. If I cannot respond in a constructive manner, once again, I need to walk away until the emotions have subsided.
Finally, if I am able to maintain the conversation without being swept into the emotion, afterward I must analyze what was said. I must think to myself, "What do I know to be true?". Was there truth in what was said? What do I have to take responsibility for, if anything? If I acted inappropriately was it truly a reflection of who I am, or was it just me being human? Do I need to seek forgiveness from a person? Do I need to grant forgiveness? Do I need to forgive myself? Lastly, do I need to change my future actions or words so that, IF I contributed to this situation I will not do it again. That last IF is huge! I need to truly look at a situation and discern, is this really about me and my actions or is it someone else's? IF I contributed in any way, then yes, I need to make adjustments. IF not, then I need to LET IT GO!! That is the hard part for me. I cannot allow another person's words or actions to have power over me and change the way I think about myself if they are not true. I must be true to myself, and if I cannot be true to myself, that is a different topic altogether. However, knowing who I am and what I know to be true is key. Sometimes I need to just remind myself of those things. Hey maybe those thousands of dollars in therapy will pay off...and those tapes filled with positive and true messages I play through my head will help me see the world and more importantly myself as I should; with a healthy mindset and attitude.
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