A Bridge Between Two Cities....Finding Thankfulness

Hearing, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” no matter its intention always brings my mind to the Staples commercial that is shown in August when the kids are getting ready to go back to school.  The parent rides through the aisles on the back of a shopping cart with a look of euphoria while the children are dragging their feet with downtrodden faces.  For those children their season consists of going back to school and all the various pressures the new school year will put on them. 

This season also reminds me of the classic novel, “The Tales of Two Cities” by Charles Dickens.  “It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.”  As a therapist I have learned the holiday season swells a wave of depression and even increases suicide.  While for others new beginnings, happy times, and exciting life lasting memories are created around tables, trees and celebrations. 

As I am beginning to transition between a former way of life to a new way of living I find myself ebbing back and forth between the feelings of sadness and despair and the anticipation of what could be.  As my closest friends have been sailing along side of me, with life preserver on call, I have been challenged to face my present storm with thankfulness.  My dear friend told me that before my feet even hit the floor each morning I should write down at least five things to be thankful for.  Because she knows the depth of my current pain, she eased my burden and has allowed me write down one to three things per day to be thankful for.  She told me I could even use the same one multiple times if I wanted.  Her admonition was just that I find something to be thankful for each day.

The past 48 hours has provided me something that I did not expect.  I sincerely hope we all have a few people in our lives who we know are there for us no matter what; friends/family who will love us despite our flaws, despite our failures and cheer us on to fulfilling our individual potential and beyond. I believe having those people in our lives is something to be truly thankful for everyday.  However, I was overwhelmed with what I was shown over the past few days.  For it was not ONLY those few people who have remained loyal and faithful in their support for me that have brought me laughter and strength to face today, it was the kindness and words of a few who I have never met that touched my heart deeply.

The details of the circumstances do not matter; it was the words and actions of these “strangers” in addition to the consistent support of friends that gave me a different view of the world in which I live.  One “stranger” gave me over an hour of free assistance on a project I had.  As we were finishing up he was led to say to me, “just know you are never alone and you will always have friends here…if you ever need anything we are here to help.”  I was stunned.  Twenty-four hours later I received another communication from someone I have never met, however we have had numerous interactions.  She said to me, “Just know you DO have good friends that love and support you…anything you need or anytime of night you want to talk just let me know….you just have to ask and I’m there.”  The goodness of people was surrounding me and the kindness that showered me was from faces I would not even recognize.  The goodness and love of humankind penetrated deep these past few days.  These chance encounters gave me a beautiful gift this season.

It may be the best of times for some and for me it feels a little like the worst of times.  However, as I take a step back and look for things to be thankful for, so I can fulfill my commitment of keeping a gratitude journal (let’s be honest of the motive); I was given a beautiful bridge that I can choose to use to cross over the raging waters of my life.  It is a bridge that consists of people who are the closest of friends and others I do not even know but all pour out goodness and love in generous quantities.  As I take each unsure step, it is my hope that through the journey I will daily realize what a true gift this bridge is and that I too can be a part of someone else’s bridge.

Stop "Shoulding" on People That Includes Yourself!

Today I spent the entire day doing the exact same thing I will be doing tomorrow and that is sitting in a office in a Philadelphia suburb filled with all types of people from all over the United States, and all over the world for that matter.  What would bring people together from the corners of the earth into such a small place for 48 hours?  Our desire, our passion,  and our drive to provide every opportunity possible for our child to live not only a normal life, but a life with purpose and success is what brings us together.  For inside the walls of this office are multiple specialists with all kinds of resources and ideas, that if we implement faithfully and without waiver these ideas, our child, our special child, may just have a chance to live independently and happy.  And possibly we will be able to live weightless and happy too....as much as a "typical" parent can. 

I have been in this place many times before, but today seemed different.  Maybe it was because it was Halloween, and instead of my child being at school with his peers getting all pumped up about the evening activities, he instead was being poked, prodded and asked a billion questions in order to assess if he had possibly made any improvements over the past six months.  I mean his progression is the ultimate validation of this program.  I went there years ago saying I had tried EVERYTHING else. This was my last stop on the hope train, and they better pull out a miracle on this one or I would just...well who knows.  Thankfully, it does look as though my boy has pulled off a few months of developmental progress and continues to slowly make forward movement through this program.  It takes almost every ounce of energy I have to influence, persuade, encourage and cheer him on in the daily therapeutic processes they have laid out before me.  Today was supposed to give me that "atta girl" for keeping on.  It did not.  Instead I found myself angry.

Years ago I came terms about not having the most academic achiever on the block nor the athlete of the year living under my roof.  There are plenty of those around my neighborhood.  I also came to terms that my son learns in different ways and every year I would dress myself in the persona of the the fighter mom, the advocate who spoke up, got in anyone and everyone's face who would not listen or at least give my child a chance at what I would define as normalcy.  I try to balance the emotions of the protective lioness and nurturing mom while never allowing myself to truly feel what I was feeling.  If I allowed that dam to break, the amount damage the flooding would create would likely be irreversible.  So instead I suck it up and ride on my chariot of advocacy and leave my mark, hopefully in some positive way.  But the other day the concrete on my dam cracked and it started to leak and it leaked anger.  What caused the fracture in my structure?  It wasn't anything earth shattering.  I have had earth shattering and this one wasn't it.  It was four words that someone just wrote to me, that although I desperately tried to pass off, it got the best of me and caused a hairline fracture.  Unfortunately it did not stop; as a matter of fact the fracture continues to creep up my gut and into my being.  What were these four words?  I was told; "You should be grateful".  The force of emotions that swept through my body as I read those words was worse than the impact I had just experienced as I plowed down a deer last week.  It was as if my 100 mile per hour life just crashed into a concrete wall.  "Are you kidding me?" I thought.  I SHOULD what? 

I found out fairly soon thereafter this person does not have children, and had lost a child 13 years ago.  A fate no parent would ever want to suffer.  I watched one of my dearest friends bury her child in a little casket no longer than two feet. I watched the usher carry the little coffin that held her son  single evenhandedly down the aisle to the hearse that brought him to his final resting place.  Something no one wants to witness as it obviously has left a permanent picture in my mind.  I also know the pain of infertility as I thought for five years I would never have a child.  I also know others who did not have the ending I had and to this day still long for a child of their own.  I also know many parents who live the daily death of dreams for their children as they were born with some type of special need, like my child.  I know the daily reminders that there is something "different" with my child and for me that means friendless days, asking neighbors to allow my child to walk with their children trick or treating, because no one would ask mine to join them.  It means birthday parties with family members because there are no friends to invite.  It means no school dances or social functions independent of a parent being there because my son cannot maneuver through social appropriateness or conversation.  It means hours spent working side by side on homework for if I did not, there would be nothing learned or understood.  It means hours of sitting in offices of medical professionals, specialists and therapists holding my breath for some indication of a miracle to be found for my boy.   And I am reminded daily of what "typical" adolescent life looks like compared to what my son and I face.  And someone, who knows nothing of my life, who gets little positive glimmers of it through social media, speaks up and says, "You SHOULD be grateful", and the damn breaks.  I should be able to sleep through the night not concerned about what the next day holds for my children.  I should be able to drop my child off at school with peace of mind and not have to worry as to whether the bully will engage in his torment against my son.  I should have some hope that in the next six years my son will graduate from high school, possibly be able to continue his education and find a profession where he can live independently and have a happy life.  These are all the things I SHOULD have...right?  No, not necessarily.

These are some of the "rights" I would like to think I am entitled to have.  But in reality that's not true.   So what is it that I know to be true?  There are many cliches out there that roll of the tongue of many that are to provide encouragement and a source of comfort and strength for those of us who find ourselves in places we would much rather not be.  I don't know about you, but they barely work for me.  Why is that?  I think it is because they are laced with shame.  To me, the "should" statement always comes with an indirect yet sly companion called shame.  It says shame on me for not being happy with at least having children.  Shame on me for not being grateful for the cross I have been given to carry, because although it may be ragged and heavy, it at least holds a piece of something that someone else doesn't have, yet wanted.

I remember finding out I was pregnant with my second child just nine months after my son was born.  This was not a planned pregnancy in any way, and if anyone is looking for statistics on the effectiveness of birth control, come talk to me.  I happened to make some comment about being in a daze as I had learned I was with child, since I had just had back surgery and my doctor warned me not to get pregnant for at least a year.  My spinal cord needed at least that much time to heal from the damage the first pregnancy had caused.  This woman only heard my outpouring of concern that I was pregnant without knowing the "back" story.  She made some flip comment, since she being a parent of one child, and having been unsuccessful in trying for a second, was outraged at my state of mind.  Just a year later, she did become pregnant with child number two and gave birth to a very healthy boy.  Do you know how many times I have wanted to walk up to her and ask her if she would still like to change places with me?  NOT that I would EVER give up my children...but I just like proving a point. 

That point is....we all need to STOP looking at others, comparing their lots in life and making judgments on how they SHOULD be feeling based on how we are comparing our lives and unfulfilled dreams to theirs and responding based on our internal evaluation.  Every time we tell someone how they "should" be feeling or behaving we might as well start the sentence by saying, "Shame on you!" and then proceed with the rest of our judgment.  We do this to ourselves too!  "Shame on me for feeling this way!"   "I should be so grateful I even have a son.  Who cares that my heart has to adjust to broken dreams and desires for him.  I should be happy I have a son."  Some people may be thinking, "Why yes, that is exactly how you should feel."  However, shaming someone into feeling a certain way, compared to supporting a person through their evolution of emotional maturation is something totally different.  Helping someone change the way they view their lives and providing encouragement and strategies to bring them along a path of healthy thinking is much different than force feeding "right" emotions.  I think most adults truly know what emotional maturity and health can look like.  I truly believe we all want to be there.  We all desire to be content in all circumstances and see the good in all things. Why wouldn't we?  I just think us as fellow journeyers can provide assistance in building up in each other solid structures that withstand the tremors of our lives compared to weighing the framing of our being down with guilt and shame.  Tomorrow I will look at others through the lens "builder" and hopefully find opportunities to share encouraging developing words as opposed to being a judgmental dumper.

Please Hold My Hand!

Last night I received a call from one of the coaches I work with.  He wanted to let me know that another one of our coaches was in a car accident and was killed.  I sat there stunned as I heard the voice and the words coming out of the other end of the phone.  Coach Matt, the coach that every girl on his team and now a part of mine adored.  He's gone....in an instant;  leaving behind his wife, four children and a team of girls who he greatly impacted.  I didn't know his wife or his children, so my thoughts and my pain immediately went to my team of girls.  The girls who I didn't know just two months ago, but the girls who my heart has expanded to not only tolerate but to truly care and love.  How could this happen?  How can someone so young, so alive, be gone?

As I walked numbly around my house I only had to think back just a few weeks ago to an image of lighted pink balloons being launched into the dark night sky.  Those balloons fulfilled a mother's birthday promise to her daughter just weeks prior.  However, her daugther was not there to see this magnificant light display, for just days before her 6th birthday she lost her life to brain cancer.  How can such an innocent child lose a life so soon?

I then began to think personally.  I thought about the past weeks discussions of dividing assets and breaking apart my "family" for our "home" is no longer that, but instead a residence of four individuals.  The tears, the anger, the pain; at times it seems unbearable.  How did this happen?

My life seems to spin out of control and shattering before my eyes and along with it my value and worth seem to disappear as each circumstance unfolds.  Death, divorce, disease, disappointment and distruction all around.  How can this be?  So many pieces but none that seem to fit together.  The jagged edges cut and create pain.  The wounds hemmorage and flow unceasingly.  Every where I turn there's despair.  How will it end?  Does it end? Will there be healing?  Am I unable to control any of it?

We live in a fallen world and with that comes hurt and pain.  The way the world is; it's not how it was intended to be.  But we as humans created situations and circumstances that have evolved into a world with challenges, losses and even dispair.  Can we do anything to make it better?  Yes!  Yes, we can.  I remember being criticized for wanting to "save the world".  I was told I wouldn't be able to.  It is true, I may not be able to save the WORLD, but I can make one person's world a little better.

In my man made hole of pity that I often find myself drowning in, I am able to come up for air from time to time.  One of those times was Sunday night when I was asked to bring some of my soccer team to a haunted hayride.  Not really one of my favorite things to do, but none the less I agreed wanting to please my team and my daugther.  The ten of us piled into the hay filled  wagon and off we went into the dark of the night with sights of flashing fire and sounds of screams in the distance.  For some reason I felt the need to be strong and confident.  I wasn't trying to be a killjoy, I just knew it was what was needed.  All of the sudden an unfamiliar hand grabbed mine and I felt the individual fingers of someone lace through mine.  I heard a whisper, "Please hold my hand".  Two minutes later I had three other girls in my lap, one being my daughter.  On my other side I had another little girl buried in my lap and another coach nuzzled into my ribs under my arm.  Another whipser came through my ear, "I love you mom, you are awesome".  All of the sudden this coach became hero, not because we won our game that day, but because I was there when they needed me.  I don't get paid. I don't have an office.  I don't have a worthy title and more days than not I hear complaints or "concerns" from parents about their child's play...but at that moment...I was saving their world.  I was there

In the aftermath of losing Coach Matt, it is very clear the positive impact we can make in a person's life, if we choose to.  It does not take much to do so.  The ways of the world will not change, but how we impact them certainly can.  How we respond to the circumstances of our day can bring hope and healing.  Tomorrow my girls will need me again. Not as coach, but as a hand holder as they say goodbye to a man who poured into their lives passion, love of soccer and belief in each of them.   In the moment of their dispair and pain, I will be there.  I won't be "saving" their world, but I will be making a difference in it.

Messages on the Tape

I woke up this morning...yes, that is a bit assumed, but just in case it's not, I woke up and it was morning.  So the first thing I do before my feet hit the ground was first to turn off the damn alarm clock. Then the one piece of "advice" I try to implement, after thousands of dollars of therapy, is to "hit the play button" of happy and healthy tapes that run through my mind.  Apparently for many years I have risen and "hit the wrong play button" and have exposed my mind to unhealthy and negative messages.  If I choose to play the right tapes these apparently will magically rewrite what I have been hearing for the past few decades and I will view the world and myself with a different attitude and mindset.  Sounds simple enough, yes? NO!

I do not know, maybe I am just wishing negativity in my life.  My dear friend tells me that I cling to negative messages, especially about myself because that's what I believe I deserve.  Being a counselor for almost 20 years, you would think I would have had this all figured out by now.  But what is it they say about people who choose counseling as a profession?  Maybe I thought by changing my career at midlife all my "issues" would go away.  Unfortunately they have not and I still wage war on a daily basis with my thoughts.  No positive mantra has been able to penetrate defeat to those messages going through my head.  However, after the past few days I am reloading with new ammunition and a different battle plan.

As I stated in my previous post, I cannot choose for other people what words or actions they put out into the universe, I can only choose my own.  Words and actions of others are beyond my control.  I personally spend way too much energy trying to shoot back or down those words and waste too much time trying to change the thinking that formed the words.  I cannot.  Sometimes the words of others are cutting and spoken out of pure intense emotion and slice right to the core of my being.  In response I choose to fight back and either spew words to retaliate the pain their words just caused me or I pathetically grovel and desperately try to change their opinion of either me or the situation. How sad that in a moment, maybe a very emotionally intense moment, but none the less, a reactionary moment, I lose confidence in who I am because of another person's choice of thoughts, words and actions.  Wow, what a waste of my time and energy.  And who am I to empower someone else to such an extent?  No one's thoughts or opinions should be able to injure me in such a way that creates a hemorrhage in my being but also creates a scar in my mind for years, months, days, hours or even minutes.

I am not saying that I shouldn't listen to well thought out constructive criticism spoken out of care for who I am.  I have a few friends who play that role in my life and I welcome it.  I am saying that when put into a situation, especially one that is heated, there are a few steps that could help not allow permanent disability to my mind.  First, if a discussion is so hot that nothing productive is being said, or is just lined with insults, I need to walk away.  Everyone can say something out of anger or rage and cause harmful damage.  When this is happening, I just need to walk away and end the conversation.  If I am engaged in a heated discussion where personal attacks are not the forefront but there is a high intensity level, I should carefully listen to what is being said.  However, as much as I am able, I should respond in a calm and controlled manner.  Emotionally reacting to another person's words is not going to be productive.  If I cannot respond in a constructive manner, once again, I need to walk away until the emotions have subsided.

Finally, if I am able to maintain the conversation without being swept into the emotion, afterward I must analyze what was said.  I must think to myself, "What do I know to be true?".  Was there truth in what was said?  What do I have to take responsibility for, if anything?  If I acted inappropriately was it truly a reflection of who I am, or was it just me being human?  Do I need to seek forgiveness from a person?  Do I need to grant forgiveness?  Do I need to forgive myself?  Lastly, do I need to change my future actions or words so that, IF I contributed to this situation I will not do it again.  That last IF is huge!  I need to truly look at a situation and discern, is this really about me and my actions or is it someone else's?  IF I contributed in any way, then yes, I need to make adjustments.  IF not, then I need to LET IT GO!!  That is the hard part for me.  I cannot allow another person's words or actions to have power over me and change the way I think about myself if they are not true.  I must be true to myself, and if I cannot be true to myself, that is a different topic altogether.  However, knowing who I am and what I know to be true is key.  Sometimes I need to just remind myself of those things.  Hey maybe those thousands of dollars in therapy will pay off...and those tapes filled with positive and true messages I play through my head will help me see the world and more importantly myself as I should; with a healthy mindset and attitude.

A Lesson in Sportsmanship & Life

It is no secret that I am and will always be a HUGE sports fan.  I love the thrill of the game and the high of victory.  My family was originally from Philadelphia and the surrounding area, so I was brought up on the Phillies, the Flyers, 76ers, and the Eagles.  I have stayed true to those roots and have ridden the crazy ride with these teams.  Yesterday was one though that I wished I had passed up.

I try to provide varied experiences to my kids because I want them to be curious about life and have the courage to explore it with passion and great expectation.  One way of doing this is by bringing them to an Eagles game.  I have been criticized for doing this, because of what they might be exposed to in that environment.  However, I choose to not place my kids in a bubble, but instead walk them through what they see and hear to help them understand how to process and respond.  Besides, you cannot tell me what they see and hear at a stadium is much worse than what they hear on a school bus overloaded with tweens!

I packed up my kids and took them the season home opener against the biggest rival of the Eagles...the New York Giants.  I had no idea what to expect, but I was truly giddy with the thought of having tickets to what I had hoped to be at least a great game.  I thought my kids and I would cheer, sing the crazy Eagles fight song and make a positive memory.  Some of that happened yesterday, but to my sadness I ended up helping make a life lesson.  The Eagles played poorly, the Giants played exceptionally and emotions on both sides of the field were electrified.  There were fights and finger pointing with accusations flying. There were words of frustration and hatred being spewed everywhere we turned.  I was even being texted jabs and put downs throughout the game.  I am by no means an innocent party in all of it.  I have teased and tormented my fellow rivals in jest.  But yesterday, it just felt dirty and hurtful. 

My daughter asked why people hate the Philadelphia fans so much.  The answer?  Because a few over the line, need to get lives fans act in such a way that leave a lasting scar on the rest of us.  Are we  Eagles fans truly the "awful human beings" that people say we are?   (I am being asked of this by my daughter who just last week stood up for a victim of bullying in her school.)  No, we are not!! But what can we learn from this? 

A few things, first is that it is our responsibility alone to keep our words and actions in check.  We can choose to put out kindness, consideration and love or we can choose to perpetuate cruelty, selfishness and hatred.  We also must learn to not allow the choices of others' words and actions to penetrate our being and receive the messages they are trying to convey.  We must know who we are, what we stand for and find our identity there.  We must stay true to ourselves with actions that sometimes are contrary to the majority.  Lastly, we must still remember that there can be fun in competition and debate.  We cannot walk around with a sense of fragility, but one of open mindedness to others thoughts and opinions and sometimes be willing to agree to disagree...and then LET IT GO!

How did we implement these thoughts yesterday?   We sat in our stadium seats for a few moments as the last seconds ticked off the clock, we looked to our left, where Giants fans occupied the seats, we leaned forward, congratulated them on a well deserved win and thought to ourselves....just wait until November 20th!!